To order scripts ISBN 978-1-873855-59-1 Cast List Scenes Extract Photos from a performance
Note that The Trilogy is now available as a single publication ISBN 978-1-873855-72-0
See also Bard Again! and MacHamlet goes West.
I had always seen the ending of Hamlet as edging towards pantomime ("Mind that arras no, no behind you!") and the Scottish Play has its moments of comic possibility so why not combine the two?
It's all the fault of the Witches of course. They have seen into the future and found football, and now they're hooked on the idea of holding a match in their times an international, between the Scots and the Danes. Step up, Macbeth and Hamlet, with your teams!
Oh, and historically Lady Godiva was contemporaneous with Macbeth so
prepare for the full Coventry!!
Running time approx 2 hours including interval
Principals: 16 male & 7 female suggested, but treat it as a pantomime genders can be swapped and some parts doubled.
Mac Macbeth, thane of Mylife, opportunist
Beth Macbeth his wife & team director
Witch One organiser of Scottish cheerleaders
Witch Two a cheery cheerleader
Witch Three a dour cheerleader
Duncan King team captain
Banquo the Ghost a phantom winger
Birnam Wood from where we get defence
Glen & Morangie supporters of the Scottish distilleries
Will McGonagall a barred bard
Hamlet formerly known as Prince, dead
Gertrude Hamlet's mother, now married to Claudius
Claudius disputed team captain
Horatio a solid goalkeeper
Yorick good with the head
Ophelia team masseuse
Carl & Berg probably the best lager louts in the world
Hans Christian Andersen a seller of tales
Lady Godiva the referee from Coventry
Skye Blue a media correspondent
Scene 1 The Witches convene
Scene 2 Hamlet meets Beth
Scene 3 In a Scottish pub
Scene 4 Bard-off #1
Scene 5 Witches' brew
Scene 6 On the field, teams in training
Scene 7 Supporters' views
Scene 8 In the Gym
Scene 1 Polonius explains the situation
Scene 2 Still in the pub
Scene 3 Bard-off #2
Scene 4 Pre-match build-up
Scene 5 The Match
Scene 6 Reviewing the consequences
Scene 7 Back in the pub
(The three witches declaim from different points in the auditorium)
Witch 1 Thrice the brindled cat hath mew'd.
Witch 2 Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.
Witch 3 Harpier cries, "'Tis time, 'tis time."
Witch 1 'Tis time to start our pantomime!
Witch 2 Our pantomime of legends mixed.
Witch 3 Of vengeance vile and matches fixed.
(They begin to move towards the front of stage)
Witch 1 Of 2-3-5
Witch 2 and 4-4-2
Witch 3 And chanting "Ee-aye-adio"!
Witch 1 We're bringing football to the Scots
Witch 2 because we like it lots and lots
Witch 3 Even though you'll say, I bet
All It hasn't been invented yet!
Witch 1 Upon the heath a bothy lit.
Witch 2 A bothy blue, and out of it
(We hear the whoosh of a Tardis landing)
there came a man with powers that shocked, a
man who called himself
All the Doctor.
Witch 1 With him we whirled through time and space,
Witch 2 To light upon the strangest place.
Witch 3 A stadium where grown men play,
Witch 1 And now we're hooked so you may say
We're football crazy, we're football mad,
That football game has taken awa'
The little bit of sense we had
And it would take a dozen servants
To wash our clothes and scrub,
Since we became a member of
That terrible football club.
Witch 1 Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble.
Witch 2 We are going to win the double.
Witch 3 With a team drawn from the lees
Of William Shakespeare's tragedies.
Witch 1 By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
(Hamlet enters to 'Air on a G string' and slowly starts to light up a small cigar)
Witch 2 Wicked! It worked. On with the show.
Witch 3 (To audience) See you later. Cheerio!
(The witches exit)
(The stage manager enters quickly and takes the cigar from Hamlet)
Stage Manager Sorry, no smoking. You ought to know that.
(The music stops)
Hamlet You mean because there's a law against it?
Stage Manager No, I mean because tobacco hasn't been discovered yet. It's 1040. Didn't they teach you any history at school? (Exits)
Hamlet No, because schools haven't been invented yet either. Only 1040 eh? (Looks at his watch) Bit early perhaps but still (takes out a can of Carlsberg and opens it) who cares never really too early is it?
Beth Wha's tha' you're drinking?
Hamlet Tha' is probably the best lager in the world, madam.
Beth Lager? Call tha' a drink? Gnats could do better. (She gets out a bottle of Scotch) Now this is wha' I call a drink!
(She opens the bottle and wafts it under Hamlet's nose)
Smell the strength in tha'. None of your quick-brew here.
Hamlet There's nothing quick about brewing the way we do it in Elsinore.
Beth Twenty years old this is, laddie. Twenty. It's probably older than you are, and more mature.
Hamlet I'd rather be blond with a bit of a fizz than stuck in a dour Scottish cellar for twenty years.
Beth There's the trouble wi' you continentals impulsive all mouth and trousers. Are you here for the festival?
Hamlet The festival of the Bard, yes.
Beth Yer no' that Romeo chap?
Hamlet Not at all! I am the eponymous Hamlet.
Beth Eponymous? Never heard of him.
Hamlet The great Dane.
Beth Ah, so ye'll be going to Crufts then?
Hamlet You're ignorant what play do you come from?
Beth The play wi' no name.
Hamlet The play wi' no name? So I'm eponymous and you're anonymous.
Beth Very good! Ye'll be a Bard yerself some day. I mean it's the play that no man dare name.
Hamlet But you're a woman.
Beth Aye. Oh well, I suppose it's all right then I can tell you it's Macbeth.
(Blackout and sounds of thunder)
Beth Woops. Perhaps not. It's only a silly superstition really you know. Can we have our lights back again please?
Beth Thank you kindly. (To Hamlet) I'm Beth, wife of
that person whose name I just said. Now, d'you want to try the whisky or not?
Hamlet If you insist.
Beth If I insist? I offer you a dram of the finest single malt and all you can say is: "If you insist!" Philistine! But as I've just finished the bottle, we'll have to go to the pub for some more.
Hamlet Where's the pub?
Beth Conveniently situated behind these curtains.
Hamlet (as they exit together) Do you think they sell lager?
Beth I'll pretend I didn't hear tha'!
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